If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
