i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
