just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
