at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
