There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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