he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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