Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize