and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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