Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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