only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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