Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
