capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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