For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
