im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I party with great urgency now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
