My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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