I want to stick my p in your. b.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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