I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
