I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
