Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
