I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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