Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
