haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
