i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
