Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
