My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
