I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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