"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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