the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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