Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
