Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
