I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
