Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
