worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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