During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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