I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
