I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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