We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
