You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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