A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
