i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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