I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
