Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
