he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
