Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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