kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
