really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
