farters have to be the big spoon...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
