May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
