So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
