Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
