I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
