did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
