i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
