He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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