ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
