I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drake has all the answers
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
