Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
