I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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