Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
