me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
