the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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