too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
